Silence helps no-one
Why is it so rare for people to share their struggles?
Silence behind the mask
Until 5 years ago I wore my capability mask 24/7 and I would have worn a matching cape if I could. I kind of saw my ability to push all my woes deep inside me, keep them in there and put on a smiley face as a superpower. I was fine. Any time anyone asked how I was, I gave the stock answer “Fine thanks”. How many of us do that?
My silence protected me growing up. I soon learned that to say what I wanted, to say what was on my mine and, heaven forbid, to say what I was feeling did not end well. I would be told to be quiet, to wait, to know my place or, worst of all, I would just be ignored. After a lot of long waits I came to realise that being told to wait was another way of saying “No” but instead of clarifying that the answer was indeed in the negative, it kept me hanging. It was worse than a “No”. So staying silent kept me safe from disappointment as well as safe from the angry outbursts that occurred when I asked at the “wrong” time. Like there was ever a right time!
That is a potted version of how my tendency towards silence came about. There are many people with their own version of that story, or a very different version, but the upshot is the same; silence. And with silence comes a denial of our own experience, a denial of our feelings, a denial of self which is often followed by shutdown or numbing in one form or another. My modus operandi was people-pleasing, perfectionism, binge-eating and occasional bouts of dissociation and mild depression. A heady cocktail of unhealthy strategies to “help” me live my life. Oh how I wish I’d known then what I know now.
I had my head down, surviving, for so long that I didn’t know there was another way. That nearly everyone struggles from time to time and that there are people who I can talk to, who I can confide in, who will listen without judgement while I say what’s on my mind and I can experience the enveloping warmth of being heard and seen without the fear of being mocked or scorned. I find something magic happens when I say out loud “the Thing” that is bothering me. The Thing becomes lighter, has less of a grip on heart and my head becomes quieter as a result. The air can flow freely in and out of my body without it butting up against the Thing that is doing its best to grab all my attention even if means I can’t breathe. The Thing is pretty powerful when it sticks its claws in and hooks on with a vice-like grip.
The weight of shame
The other problem with silence is that it’s a breeding ground for shame. Shame keeps us in fear, feeling small and perpetuates the silence. The less we talk about the Thing, the less opportunities we create to connect with others and give each other the space to talk about the Thing. The more we become susceptible to the thoughts in our mind that mull over the Thing, over and over again in a loop until we end up depressed and unable to shake the Thing off. Shame is insidious and it’s sneaky as it creeps up on the back of the Thing until it smothers us.
There is another way. The antidote to shame is empathy. As Brené Brown says;
Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy... When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.
Sharing
If we share the Thing with the right people, we experience care and empathy and the shame retreats. Break the silence and we stop the shame in its tracks. The key though is sharing with the “right” people. We learn who the right people are, unfortunately, by experience. It can be hard when it turns out not to be our family or the people we consider to be our best friends. It might actually be the new person you met last month at your painting class, or at a community event, or someone you work with. The friends who are our “have fun with” friends may not be the people to share the Thing with and that’s okay. It’s normal. It’s unrealistic to think that one person, or group of people, can be everything to us. Most of us have different sorts of friends – the school parent friends, the dog-walking friends, the good fun on a night out friends, the live round the corner friends. The people we share the Thing with might be one or two of those friends and might also be the friend that you only ever see on your own and you always talk about the deep stuff you can’t talk about with everyone else. They are the friends that get that deep, and sometimes dark, part of you because you get that part of them and you can talk and share and empathise. You can break the silence together.
When we start on this path of breaking the silence it can seem like a mountain to climb. Start small. Share snippets until you find the right person to share more with. If you share but something doesn’t feel right, perhaps that wasn’t the right person to share with. Don’t give up. It takes time but you will find the right person.
Sharing will feel uncomfortable, new things always do, but this is doubly uncomfortable because you are sharing intimate details. Being vulnerable goes against everything we have learned in the past about staying silent. Stick with it, don’t push too hard or too quick and be very kind to yourself in the process. Self-compassion is vital when you start breaking the silence. If you share with someone who mocks or scorns, it’s going to hurt but know that the mocking and scorn comes from their hurt place and it isn’t about you. They are not the right person for you to share with right now so dust yourself off, activate self-compassion mode and keep your eyes peeled for someone else.
Sometimes, for all sorts of reasons, we might have to find someone we pay to listen to us talk about the Thing. A therapist or a coach perhaps, or another sort of healer or practitioner. There is still so much stigma attached to seeking help but I raise my hand here and say that my 3 years of therapy saved my marriage, kept my family together and quite possibly saved my life. Did it cost a lot of money? Yes, because unfortunately in the UK good help has to be sought privately if you want to work long-term with someone and not wait over a year to see someone. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
So my personal experience very strongly shouts out that staying silent does not help anyone. It makes the Thing grow bigger and stronger. Find your people to share the Thing with and talk. Break the silence.
If you’re interested in having life coaching so that you can begin to share those things you have kept silent, click the button below to arrange an informal chat. Who knows what might change?!
