How to overcome your fear of failure
Photo by the blowup on Unsplash
How do you feel about failure? In small doses, a fear of failure can be positive, helping us to prepare, plan and focus for the event or task in question. But, if you’ve ever been so afraid of failing that you don’t even try, that fear can create extreme worry which then stops you from achieving your goals. In this blog post, I’ll be exploring the reasons behind fear of failing and how you can overcome your fear of failure.
How do you see failure?
Do you see failure as a positive thing, or is it something you try to avoid at all costs? If your idea of failure comes from your childhood, or a perceived failure in the past, it may no longer be serving you.
The fear of failure often stops us trying new things, going to new places, or being open to opportunities. It would be a shame to miss out on those things because of fear. Besides, when we learn from our failures, it can lead us to success.
The link between failure and trauma
These days I’m a big fan of failure, but it hasn’t always been that way.
As a child, I tried very hard to be perfect. I had no idea what that meant, or who decided whether I was or not. I just knew I had to keep everything at home running as smoothly as possible so my mum wouldn’t get mad.
Invariably, she did anyway, and I felt that I’d failed. Somehow, I’d not done the one thing that would have made the difference, without knowing what that was. It meant I was on constant high alert to see what needed doing, and to do it before it caused a problem.
Looking back, I can now see how confused I was, at only 10 years old, to think it was my job to get all those things done. I don’t recall being told I needed to do them, but somehow knew that I had to. And I was certainly never told to go play out instead.
Those of us growing up in chaotic homes will often find the same. For me, the chaos came from having an alcoholic mother but, for you, it might be different.
The reality is that growing up in an environment like this causes trauma. And the result of the trauma is often a skewed view of family, relationships and even the world. Parentification (where the child takes on the responsibilities of the parent) is common. If you recognise parts of your own childhood above, you’re not alone.
Discovering where your fear of failure comes from
Trauma is not what happens to us, but our response to an environmental situation. Our capacity to handle this dictates our response and whether
we’ll suffer trauma as a result.
My response to my environment was different to my three brothers. It definitely caused me trauma but might not be the same for them. Sadly, we never talk about it which is often the case in families like mine.
As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I felt the stress of what was happening at home very deeply. The prolonged trauma badly affected my self-esteem, and my survival mechanism was to try and be perfect. The good girl.
It’s hard to have a healthy relationship with failure when you’re desperately trying to be good.
My personal failures
For a long time, I felt that my first real failure was being born and the second was being a girl. My Mum told me having children so young ruined her life. On many occasions she told me that boys are better than girls. The hurt was deep in my heart and it’s no wonder that I felt like a failure.
Over the years my perceived failures were many:
My mum named me after a tall, slim, and athletic girl she went to school with. I failed to be those things, so it was another way I let her down.
I was academic and enjoyed school. The teachers were nice to me, and it was my happy place, somewhere I wasn’t a failure. But it didn’t count as my mum gave it no value, the one thing I felt good at was inconsequential.
My mum wanted me to play a musical instrument as she hadn’t been able to. I enjoyed playing the cello at primary school but, when we moved house, I had to take it to school on a crowded bus. It would poke people with the spike and I hated carting it around. I wanted to give it up, but she made me play for another two years. I’ve never picked one up since. Failed.
My mum took me for riding lessons from a young age. She’d wanted her father to support her to compete in equestrian events, but he didn’t, so she pushed me to ride. She was told I was quite good, but really I was just strong and brave, so they put me on the big horses. I was terrified of how far I had to fall. and gave up as soon as I could. Failed.
I passed my driving test first time. All the best drivers pass second time apparently. Failed.
I went to Birmingham University instead of Cambridge, Failed.
I did law instead of vet science. Failed.
When I was fed up in my job as a junior lawyer and opened up to her that I wasn’t enjoying it, all she could say was that I should have married and stayed at home like she did. Failed.
When yet another relationship ended, it had to be my fault in her eyes. Failed.
The list goes on.
I lived my life with the firm belief that, in her eyes, I was one big failure. With the benefit of hindsight and lots of therapy, I now think she simply didn’t understand me, at all. I also think she was highly sensitive too and very unhappy, which is why she drank.
How has your fear of failure developed?
First ask yourself whether there were any things you had to do as a child because the grownups wanted you to? Or if there are any decisions you made for yourself as a young person that didn’t go down very well?
Life is all about trying new things, having fun and finding the joy in the mundanity of every day. Early feelings of failure can stop us from taking risks and seeking out new things, but I want to ask you this: were they really failures?
Instead, could the grownups have been expressing their own disappointment in something which fulfilled a need in them? If that’s the case, then it’s not your burden to carry, and you can lay it down.
How kindness and compassion can help you embrace failure
As my relationship with myself has improved so has my self-compassion. The need to be perfect has, for the most part, gone. It may rear it’s ugly head from time to time but I’m aware of it now.
The self-talk is much kinder and more encouraging. If I’m feeling anxious I will tell myself “It’s ok, you’ve got this”.
My fear of failure is less prevalent now. When failure does present itself, I reframe it as best I can, thinking about what I can learn from the experience. I also prefer to think of failure more as trying things out. When something doesn’t work, I do something else or find a different way.
Allowing failure to be what it is –not success, but a step towards success – is much easier to bear. Besides, what good does it do to brand ourselves a failure? I’ve had enough of that in my life, and I don’t want it anymore.
Some people may perceive that leaving my job in 2019 was a failure as I didn’t have another one to go to. But I needed time to heal and, when I was ready to work again, we were in lockdown. Not working enabled me to be at home with my boys during lockdown. It also gave me the opportunity to start my own business, rediscover my creative side, write my book and start my podcast.
My aim is to pass on the things I’ve learned about myself to my children, helping them to grow up more emotionally aware and emotionally intelligent. My self-esteem has improved dramatically since stopping the negative self-talk and constant put-me-downs. So, I want to help my children talk about their emotions and know how to reframe failure. Even if doing so can be hard with teenagers.
Practical steps to overcome your fear of failure
I hope you now have some insight into where your relationship with failure might come from. Remember that learning to embrace failure will allow you to learn more about success.
Can you see failure in a different way? A way that would enable you rather than stop you in your tracks?
If you’d like to change your relationship with failure, the following steps can help:
Notice when you’re stopping yourself for fear of failure or things not working out as planned. You can never know whether things will work out as you want. But remember that it’s your past experiences which are creating your fear of failure.
Have compassion for the part of you that is fearful. It’s a protective part that has helped you get to where you are today, and you’re here, so it has done a good job. Look at your self-talk and ensure you’re being kind. One example I use is the following:
“Oh hello fear of failure I see you. Thank you for all the help you have given me in the past. I don’t need protection for [ whatever it is ], I’m going to give it a go and I will see what happens. If I stop myself now I lose the chance of it being something great and I am going to take that chance. I got this.”
Breathe deeply and say this a few times to yourself.
Try new things or things that would usually avoid for fear of failure. Take baby steps and go slowly. It will give you time to build up a bank of memories from experiencing small, new things. Going for something big straight away is likely to be overwhelming and set you back.
Learn from the baby steps you take.
If it didn’t go according to plan, what did go well and what could you change next time?
If it was terrible, at least you know now and next time you can make a change or try something else.
If it went well, how can you build on that success?
If you feel fearful while going through this process, take time to breathe deeply as many times as you need:
o Breathe in through your nose, and down into your abdomen.
o Hold for the count of 4 and gently exhale through your nose for the count of 7.
o Do this 3-4 times and tell yourself you’ve got this.
I also put one hand on my heart and one on my abdomen if I am in a suitable environment. You’ll notice the fearful feeling becomes less and less as you do this.
It’s totally normal for a shift like this to take a while. Keep practising as it’s the repetition that matters.
If this doesn’t work for you, it’s not a failure on your part - far from it. See it as a sign that you need a different intervention.
Celebrate every failure as well as every success. Celebrate that you gave it a go. Oh, and celebrate the hell out of the successes.
Next steps
Understanding where your fear of failure comes from and challenging whether past experiences really were failures can help you see things in a different way.
By acting with compassion and kindness towards yourself, and working through the practical steps, you can really change your relationship with failure.
If you’re looking for someone to help you overcome your fear of failure, book a free 30 min call to see how I can help.
Over to you
Does fear of failure stop you trying new things? How do you manage your fear of failure? Leave a comment below.
