What Other People Think
In this blog post I’m going to look at:
Why it matters to us what others think
How it might hold us back and stop us taking risks
How we can move away from it and not mind so much
Firstly, and importantly, it’s essential to know that this is a complex matter and the reasons beneath it differ for everyone. I’ll explore some of the more obvious ones below but there are a lot more.
Before I get started, I just want to touch on something you may have heard of, Imposter Syndrome. This isn’t a blog on Imposter Syndrome as I don’t really like that “label” but I felt it was important to at least mention it. When people talk about Imposter Syndrome, they can sometimes be talking about what I’m talking about here; what other people think. Sometimes that name for what we are feeling doesn’t seem right. “Imposter” suggests some sort of deliberate deceit but most of us aren’t pretending to be more than we are. Usually, most of us are hiding what we think are weaknesses or shortcomings. We worry that to show these things may change what people think about us. We read self-help books, we take courses, we listen to talks, we meditate. We work on our self-confidence. All this in the hope that things might improve. I don’t find it helpful to use a “label” around this behaviour that suggests as element of deceit. That is just my opinion but I thought it was important to mention this.
Why it matters to us what others think
When I was younger, I used to say I didn’t care what other people thought of me. I think occasionally I actually believed it, but it was a lie. A lie that kept me playing small, not putting myself forward for things, being grateful for whatever morsels of love, affection, praise or appreciation were thrown my way, never daring to ask for more. I longed for more but deep down I didn’t believe I deserved more. The root of my problem was I fundamentally believed I was worthless and if I was exposed as a fraud I would have no right to exist. I could only exist if I worked hard, got good results, if I was as helpful and perfect as I could be. I was the ultimate people-pleaser. It was a vicious cycle – work hard to gain wealth, love and abundance to give me enough worth to exist but I wasn’t worthy to deserve those things. I had to be a success but being a success would draw attention to me and my lack of a right to exist would be exposed. So I stayed small. My inherent worthlessness made it impossible for me to claim the right to exist. Without the right to exist I could never achieve what I needed to earn enough worth. The only option I felt I had was to pretend and hope nobody found out.
When I had a breakdown in 2017, I went to therapy and came to understand how my feelings of worthlessness had created this vicious cycle for me that showed up all over my life; in my career, in my relationships, in my friendships. I didn’t just have a mask to hide my unworthiness; I had a thick suit of armour that nothing was getting through. During therapy I came to realise that I don’t think others are unworthy and I have just as much right to exist as anyone else. I am worthy; I am enough. With that realisation I started to believe it didn’t actually matter what other people think.
We’re all familiar with the term “inner critic”. It is used to personify the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. The inner critic is usually an amalgamation of the negative and critical comments we have received through our lives from parents, teachers, siblings, peers. The inner critic usually forms in childhood and if we take the time to delve into the words the inner critic uses, we can usually work out whose voice we are hearing. For me it was always my mother.
It is the inner critic talking to us in its unkind harsh words that leads us to worry about what others think. Worrying about what others think tends to come from a place of fear. Fear is useful if we’re in danger but not if it’s holding us back. It’s good if fear stops us falling off a cliff by keeping us away from the edge but it’s not so helpful if it stops us taking up an opportunity that comes our way in case it doesn’t work out.
How it might hold us back and stop us taking risks
Fear is the biggest thing holding us back so making decisions from a place of fear is going to restrict us in all areas of our life. Fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of not being good enough to name just a few. Fear includes worrying about what others think.
Affirmations are really helpful to help us reframe our thoughts. Try to notice when the inner critic is doing its work, notice when that voice is telling you unkind things. Don’t ignore it as it will just grow louder and know that it is trying to protect you. Acknowledge it but know you’re in charge and reframe the negativity – you can say to yourself something like “Thank you, I know you are trying to protect me but I have got this” or “I am worthy; I am enough.”
Learning to reframe the negative thoughts will help us to:
step forward instead of fall back
take space instead of play small (literally as well as figuratively)
accept help
no longer feeling apologetic for simply existing
have more compassion for self.
I am no longer aiming for perfection as I realise worth doesn’t depend on it.
Make a list of your positive attributes and when you feel like criticising yourself go to that list. Doing this regularly with transform your inner dialogue.
Know that your happiness isn’t dependant on where you live, how much you weigh or what you do for work. The key to happiness is appreciating what you have at this moment. I call it finding joy in the mundanity of everyday life. Small things that help you appreciate yourself, your loved ones and the world around you will add up to big changes in your mind set.
As worrying about what others think usually comes from a place of fear, I hope you can see that worrying about what others think may stop us from taking risks. It’s another way our inner critic is actually trying to keep us safe but that also keeps us playing small and not exploring our gifts and talents. To live a life that makes our hearts and souls sing we really need to be embracing our gifts and talents.
How we can move away from it and not mind so much
I have a few ideas that I have gathered together over the years to try and deal with my people-pleasing tendencies. I hope some of these might resonate and/or be useful for you:
Worrying about what others think depletes our most valuable resources – time and energy. Think of all the time spent obsessing about what other people think and what you could achieve with that time if you used it differently?
I have read somewhere (and I’m sorry I can’t remember where) about a person’s opinion that worrying about what others think leading to people-pleasing is actually selfish! They say people-pleasing is really about you wanting to be liked. Also you are withholding expressing who you truly are, you are keeping yourself, your light and your love from the world and that is selfish. Whilst that can seem a little harsh and I don’t necessarily agree with that in its entirety, it is an interesting way of thinking about it and I think it’s useful as an encouragement to shine our light in the world.
How people respond is their responsibility not yours. How people respond to us is nothing to do with us. That is their business and their responsibility. If they treat us well or at least neutral, don’t spend time worrying about what they think. Unless you ask them outright you’ll never know anyway. Of course, if they treat you badly then do something about it.
We don’t have the power to make anyone feel anything. Better for us to look for inner contentment. Live from the inside out. I love this!
Own your awesome instead of worrying about what others think.
Journaling really helps. As prompts you could use “I’m really awesome at….”: e.g.
Creating experiences that make my family/friends feel really special
Being there for my friends when they need someone to lean on
Cooking/baking a …. fabulous pie (I’m a northerner so pie wins every time for me!)
You could also journal on “Where are you not owning your full awesomeness in your life?”
6 steps to stop worrying about what other people think of you:
Notice when the worry sets in
Probably not everybody all the time
What is happening when it starts?
Who are the people who trigger you?
What power do they have over you? Is it real?
Identify and understand why you care
What makes it so important what other people think?
Chances are if other people’s opinion of you causes you to worry you have a tendency to people-please.
Being liked and favoured has likely been a winning formula for you in the past
There are some advantages to being held in high regard by others, but if it doesn’t come from just being you, you are paying too high a price.
Identify the pattern and change it.
Understand you can’t control what other people think of you
Worry is a response to being out of control.
We often form opinions of others based on associations we’ve had in the past.
If people spend time with you, they will form their own opinion of you.
If they don’t spend time with you to get to know you, what do you care anyway?
It’s none of your business what others think of you. It’s how they treat you that matters. If they don’t treat you well, address it.
Direct energy to positive things
Don’t try too hard to be liked.
Concentrate your time and energy on things that interest you, bring you joy or come naturally to you.
You will attract people who are interested in the same things as you.
Being your natural self becomes easy and effortless and you become less concerned about what people think.
Practice daily self-love and acceptance
Worrying about what other people think and people-pleasing stems from a notion that we are not worthy and our wants and needs are not important.
This is a perspective that can be changed.
Start your day recognising you are equal to every other person on the planet.
Come up with statements that affirm this – such as “I am worthy”, “I am enough”, “It is ok that I do the best I can today”.
Live a life that pleases you
Don’t let your life be about their opinion.
This causes stress and impacts relationships, health and peace of mind.
If you must worry, worry about your opinion of yourself.
How can you hold yourself in higher esteem?
Published February 2021