The Heroine’s Journey
The path to finding our true selves for female identifying folks
Heroes and Heroines
A lot has been written about the Hero's Journey and it's a familiar plot for a lot of films. But have you heard of the Heroine's Journey? I hadn't until about a year ago so I if you haven't, and you're interested, I want to introduce you.
Joseph Campbell is often considered to be the father of the Hero's Journey and it was a student of Campbell's, Maureen Murdoch, that took Campbell's model and adapted it for female identifying folks.
The Heroine's Journey has similar steps - such as hardships, slaying dragons and triumphing - but it is much more nuanced and gives equal attention to the feminine wounding that starts at a very early age for most female identifying children. All this is subconscious of course, on the part of the children and the parents, but it is extremely powerful.
Part of my healing journey over the last 7 years has been a spiritual one and I have done some work to heal the masculine and feminine wounds within me. I identify strongly with the rejection of the feminine as I pursued subjects associated with the masculine “doing” energy like maths and further maths at school and then law at university. I'm sure you can imagine how masculine it was being a northern woman in a big London law firm in the 90s - we weren't even allowed to wear trousers. Honestly!!
I think my mother felt that rejection from me strongly too. She too had, as an only child, had felt rejection from her father who wanted a son.
It's a complicated web isn't it and that's just the first step of the journey!
Understanding
I have found the depiction of the Heroine's Journey really helpful in understanding myself more; my patterns, my fears and my past. I haven't used it as a stick to beat myself with (which I could easily have done) but as a tool for growth.
If it's useful for you, then please accept this invitation to read on and delve into the journey one step at a time. If it's not useful, please just leave it here.
As I set out each step below, I also explain how it showed up for me on my journey. I only discovered that the path I had been following was well-trodden as I reached the end. I probably wasn’t ready to learn about it until then! I wouldn’t have referred to myself as a heroine, and still wouldn’t, but I do now appreciate that we're all heroes and heroines of our own story if we will let ourselves be.
What can you do today to own your story?
The Journey
1. Heroine separates from the feminine
This is describing how we separate from a "feminine" figure in our life (usually a mother or mentor figure but equally can be a societally prescribed feminine/marginalized/outsider role).
I separated from my mother as I grew up surrounded by men and my mother appeared to be the "weak" link in the family. Subconsciously I learned that it wasn't safe to be like her.
2. Identification with the masculine and gathering of allies
We (the heroine of our story) embrace a new way of life. This often involves choosing a path that is different than the heroine’s prescribed societal role, gearing up to “fight” an organisation/role/group that is limiting the heroine’s life options, or entering some masculine/dominant-identity defined sphere.
It is clear to me how this played out as I chose subjects at school traditionally chosen by boys (maths and further maths) and then entered the legal profession which was such a male dominated sector at that time, particularly at the top. There is still a way to go even now!
3. Road/trials and meeting ogres and dragons
We encounter trials and meets people who try to dissuade us from pursuing their chosen path, or who try to destroy us.
I met many people along the way who put me down for being a woman lawyer, particularly a northern woman lawyer working in a large London law firm. I was good at my job and that seemed to require even more put downs! Family members continued to ridicule and overtly disapprove of my chosen path.
4. Experiencing the boon of success
We overcome the obstacles in our way.
I had a very successful career. I was married to a good man, had two fabulous children, a dog and a nice house in a great city.
This step is typically where the hero’s journey ends. But for us heroine's it's more nuanced and my journey has very much followed what is depicted in the image.
5. Awakening to feelings of spiritual aridity: death
Our new way of life (attempting the masculine/dominant identity) is too limited. Our success in this new way of life is either temporary, illusory, shallow, or requires a betrayal of self over time.
This is where the wheels feel off my life back in 2017. I had ticked all the boxes of what society told me should make me happy (husband, kids, nice house, career, dog ....). Instead of happy, I was angry, frustrated, bitter and confused.
6. Initiation and descent into Goddess
We face a crisis of some sort in which the new way of life is insufficient, and the heroine falls into despair. All of the masculine/dominant-group strategies have failed them.
The way I had been living my life, my supposed triumph, came at a cost. Betrayal of my Self! I made sure everyone else was happy (family, friends, bosses, colleagues) at the expense of my own happiness. Of course, this was all subconscious.
The pattern started in childhood, people-pleasing was my survival strategy, and I dragged it into my adulthood with me. Like a VERY heavy rucksack, I carried the weight with me everywhere I went - the weight that told me every day that I was worthless without doing things for others, that I was "less than" everyone else and that I was broken. From the outside, no-one would know this as I had a very efficient mask - more like a suit of armour - that kept my true self hidden.
In 2017, I lost a lot of the sight in my right eye. For a few weeks it looked like I might lose all the sight and no-one seemed to know what was happening. Medically, I recovered most of the sight over the next few months with a series of injections in my eye. Emotionally, I had cracked open and realised that I couldn't carry on attaching my worth doing things for others. I knew something had to change. I told my husband I had to get help otherwise I'd have to leave because I was so angry and bitter and I wasn't going to let whatever was going on for me screw my kids up. I wanted better for them than I had a child. This was my time of despair.
7. Heroine urgently yearns to reconnect with the feminine
No matter how much we want to, we find ourselves unable to return to our initial limited state/position.
Over the years I had considered leaving the legal profession as I wasn't happy and I didn't think it was good for me. But logic told me to stay. My friends told me to stay. Society told me I had worked so hard and done so well I couldn't possibly leave. Inside me I was yearning for a simpler, calmer life but I stayed in the high stress environment for far too long. My nervous system was shattered by the time I had my breakdown.
When I had my cracking open in 2017, I knew I needed help and I finally found a therapist. I was angry, frustrated, bitter and confused. I was sad and in pain. For the first time in my life I talked opening about everything and someone listened. Someone told me that what had happened wasn't ok.
8. Heroine heals the mother/daughter split
We reclaim some of our initial values, skills, or attributes (or those of others like us) but now view these traits from a new perspective.
Gradually I healed - during 3 years of therapy and then years of self-coaching. I came to understand that it wasn't my fault that my dad left and that my mum chose drink over her children. I healed my hurt inner child and integrated her with adult me. I came to have compassion towards my parents and my hurt siblings in a way that I never imagined I'd be able to.
Healing made me want to give back and I part trained as a counsellor but didn't finish as a voice inside me was telling me it wasn't right for me. About a year later I discovered that coaching was my path. Helping other women find their way back to their true selves continues my healing as well as facilitating theirs. It's a magical transformation as well as profoundly healing.
It was around this time that I discovered I’m an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). This added a whole other layer to my healing and understanding of the past. Suddenly so much of my past made sense.
9. The Heroine heals the wounded masculine
We make peace with the “masculine” approach to the world as it applies to us.
The inner work I have done since my breakdown in 2017 has helped me see myself, truly see myself for the first time. Not the Philippa that others want me to be, expect me to be, even force me to be. Just me. With all my flaws and gifts and strengths and foibles. Just me as a highly sensitive person.
I'm a complex human being like you and I am far from perfect. But for the first time I like who I am and that is a truly wonderful thing. It makes navigating this lifetime a whole lot better!
I've made peace with how life operates and the part I have played in that in the past. I'm excited about the part I can play in the future.
10. The Heroine integrates the masculine and the feminine
To face the world/future with a new understanding of ourselves and the world/life, we integrate the “masculine” (do) and “feminine” (be) qualities. This assists us to interact with a complex world that includes us but is also larger than our personal lifetime.
The spiritual journey I have been on, and am still on, as a result of walking this heroine's path has had me questioning everything I believed, everything I strived for and what I thought it was all about.
It has taken me out of my head and into my body and now I can really feel all my emotions instead of pushing them down and pretending they don't matter.
It has been one hell of a ride and if I'd known what was ahead of me I would have done everything in my power to avoid the hard work. But I did it and it was worth it. I am still doing it. I don't think of myself as a heroine, I'm just getting on with my life but learning about this journey has helped me see what it has all been about.
I share my story so that if you are going through something similar, I want you to know you are not alone.
Next steps
If you want to know more about what it means to be an HSP, you can find my blog post HERE
If you want to talk about anything I've posted so far about this journey, please get in touch. I always love to meet new people and talk about things that really matter.
You can hear the writer talk more about being an HSP on the HSP Connection Podcast which she co-hosts with Robbie Leigh. There is also an HSP Connection Community where we meet twice a month to embrace our superpower. If you’d like to know more, contact Philippa.
