Relationships

What I have learned about how our past shapes how we show up in ALL our relationships

Growing up

I grew up in a household where expressing emotions wasn’t allowed. There were eruptions, some quite fierce and some physical, but then………nothing. Silence.

My husband grew up in family where he was consistently compared to other children and he was under no illusion that he didn't match up.

We both learned to keep our emotions to ourselves. We didn't learn how to express our feelings and needs. Our dreams, our desires. Nothing.

Role model

We recently celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary and every year I am surprised that we are still here, together. Not because our relationship isn't good, far from it, but because neither of us had a role model of what a healthy relationship looks like and we've had to work it out together, one shaky step at a time.

When we disagree, I want to talk it out; he wants to shut it away. I want to celebrate the shit out of good stuff, he feels uncomfortable with displays of any emotion really. And yet, we are still doing life together and we are slowly but surely finding our way to a healthy, respectful and fun way to do it.

We've worked very hard to get to where we are. We've both had our own therapy and some therapy together. We have learned to listen to each other and try to understand the other's experience.

I feel the greatest thing we have learned is to repair. Harm is done during arguments, things are said that can’t be unsaid. But we can repair. We can display our desire to make things good again, not at the expense of our own feelings, thoughts and beliefs but in a way that is true to the relationship and the the individuals that make up that relationship. It takes honesty and vulnerability and trust, especially trust if you haven’t grown up with people around you modelling repair. It can feel uncomfortable and clunky at first but with practise it gets easier (not easy but easier). It’s worth it. And it took both of us to want it.

We have also learned about each other's childhood and upbringing so we can try and understand each other better. It has helped enormously because we are talking about things we've never talked about before, we are being seen and heard and met with empathy. We are reparenting ourselves as we grow in our relationship together (my words not his!!).

It's hard to do those things when it's the opposite to how we were brought up. The relationships we see and feel as we grow up, inform how our relationships will be as we get older - romantic relationships, familial relationships, friendships, work relationships.

Vulnerability

As HSPs we feel and process all this deeply and it can often feel like no-one understands us but if we can open up and lead the way with our vulnerability, it's amazing what can happen. Me and my non-HSP husband are testament to this. As are the deep relationships I now have with some of my friends, where I can be the real me.

During my therapy, I discovered the wonderful Brené Brown and her amazing Ted Talk - The Power of Vulnerability. I had spent my life up to that point inside a self-appointed suit of armour to ensure no-one saw the real me. I didn’t think the real me was worth seeing. That Ted Talk helped me understand that there could be a different way if I was brave enough to try. I could lean into vulnerability and let some people in my life know what it was really like being me - instead of the curated version. It wasn’t easy but boy did it make a difference. The people I trusted with my vulnerability (I was very selective!) were kind and met me with their vulnerability. Over time those relationships have grown into rich, deep and loving relationships that I treasure.

Magic

The magic ingredients, for me, in those rich relationships are:

• Learn - as with my husband, I am constantly learning in all my relationships what makes people tick, what triggers them, what stories do they tell themselves that aren’t helpful, what lights them up? I’ve had countless wonderful conversations where we open up to each other, we even disagree at times, but we have learned about each other.

• Listen - when your people are being vulnerable with you, don’t do anything else and listen. Listen deeply. Listen to understand. Most people listen to respond, to find a space to butt in and tell you what’s on their mind. Don’t do that; listen deeply so you can understand what they’re saying and what they’re feeling. Ask questions if you need to know more to understand. And I shouldn’t need to say this, but I know people who do it so…… don’t scroll on your phone during a conversation if you want to build rich and meaningful relationships.

• Love - approach each opportunity for vulnerability with love in your heart for yourself and the other. Know that you’re both doing your best; the truth is most people are doing their best even though we often feel they aren’t. It might be the best we can do in that moment. It’s a game changer if you can hold that premise and meet yourself and others where you’re at in the moment. I find that owning my feelings (…I’m finding this difficult …. I’m not sure how to say this …. I have something important I want to tell you but I’m not sure how to say it ….) helps to get things started.

And you?

Thinking about your relationships, can you ask for what you need? Or do you stay quiet? Are you a people pleaser? Is your relationship co-dependent?

Do you want your relationships to be different?

Being aware of the patterns is the first step to change. The next is asking yourself, could you choose to do it differently? This is how you break old cycles and build better relationships.

Looking at our relationships, and how to do them differently, is just one of the things we work on in my 12 month “True You” programme. If you want to know more, get in touch.

To find more about being an HSP, you can listen to the HSP Connection podcast that I co-host with Robbie Leigh. If you want to connect with other HSPs, you can join the HSP Connection Community that I co-run with Robbie. As I say above, it’s important to connect with other HSPs who just get it. Find your people.

And if you want support with how being an HSP shows up for you, how to shape your life in a way that supports you better and what is your particular sensitive strength, I am an HSP coach and I'd love to have a chat so contact me using the contact button at the top of the home page.