Self - Care, Belief, Love, Compassion, Confidence

These are all linked and for me start with self-care.  I don’t just mean a bubble bath. I love a bath, especially a cheeky afternoon bath at the weekend, and yes that is an act of self-care but there is much more to it than that.

These self things are not things that we are taught, well I certainly wasn’t and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone, and here we are going to look at how to start practising them.

The one thing I want to address first is that self-care is not selfish. Some people think that to spend time, money and energy on themselves is selfish and they shouldn’t do it. I was very much one of those people. I devoted my time and energy and money towards others, helping them, making sure they were ok.  I was the ultimate people-pleaser. It got me to 47. It helped me survive my childhood of emotional neglect, my troubled and turbulent twenties, terrified thirties when I thought my time to find a good relationship and be a mum were all but over and then my knackered 40s as a mum of two boisterous boys born 20 months apart. I also had a good career as a commercial lawyer and then a risk and compliance officer in the senior management of a smaller known law firm with a complicated set up. At 47 I was peri-menopausal and burnt out and I suddenly lost 3/5 of the sight in my right eye. That led to a breakdown as I realised that if that could happen to one eye it could happen to the other and I would no longer be able to be useful to others. If I couldn’t be useful what was the point of me being around? My very right to exist relied on me being useful, or so I thought. It was an all-time low for me. I was a total mess. One day I said to my husband that I had to get help or leave as I was so awful to be with. I didn’t want to be with me. It was really tough.

So I found a therapist and my journey started with self-care. I thought she was crazy when she asked me what I liked to do that made me happy, what did I do for self-care. I just laughed as I had no idea how to respond. I had never actually thought about it. Growing up what I needed or wanted was never a thing and I brought that into adulthood with me. So started a long journey.  I appreciate that not everyone can relate to my story but the point I’m wanting to make is that it STARTS with self-care. And why do I think it’s useful to talk to you about this? Well it’s because, in my experience, self-care in time leads to self-love and to self-compassion and self-belief and ultimately to self-confidence. As human beings I feel it’s important to have a good relationship with yourself, have a self-care practice that leads to self-love and self-confidence which allows you to bring the very essence of you into the world. It is my belief that this will help us all thrive. I’m all about empowering human beings, especially women, to thrive. I want you to see how important it is that your self-care practice is at the top of your to-do list not the bottom. I hope that makes sense now. So let’s dive into self-care.

The first thing I want to say is that self-care is an investment in you. You are the best at being you, you are unique. You are your best, lifetime investment. It’s a bit like when you get on a plane and you are told that in the event of an emergency you must put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. It is essential to look after yourself because if you don’t you have nothing left to give others. “You can’t pour from an empty cup” is a saying I really like – it’s an easy image for me to visualise and the empty cup tells me I have to fill it up. Giving of yourself all the time is draining and you end up exhausted and stressed. Stress is known to kill creativity which is important for us all. If you carry on looking after your family – kids, partners, parents – while working as well as trying  to exercise, eat healthily (and who manages that most days!), walk the dog, clean the house and in more normal times try and have a social life – well it’s exhausting just saying it let alone living it  and how many of us try and do that? Yep, a lot of us. We think we can manage but it really isn’t a good long-term strategy for health and happiness.

You may be familiar with the book “The Body Keeps the Score” and it’s basic message is living a life in constant stress with take it’s toll and physical symptoms in your body will show up. When I went through a particularly stressful break up in my 30s I developed IBS which is a known stress-related illness but no-one really told me that. The symptoms lasted for about 5 years and then they went away and I haven’t had them since. I have been stressed since but I believe that as I ignored the IBS before the body sent me something else then something else and eventually it gave me something I couldn’t ignore; the loss of sight in my eye. In 2019 I left my job due to burn out and I was already on my self-care journey. I’d left it too late and my body needed to make me stop in my tracks and give myself time to heal

True self-care deepens and strengthens our connection with ourselves so we can understand how to meet our needs from a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual stand point.

Self-care ideas:

Mental

• Relax and allow yourself to do nothing – lying flat for 10 mins is great for your body

• Meditate

• Read a book focusing on personal growth

• Listen to a podcast – NOT news based

• Play with your pet

• Create something artistic

• Play an instrument

• Listen to music you love

• Do something that makes you smile – even better if you can link to a happy childhood memory

• Practice gratitude

• Therapy

Emotional

• Forgive someone you have a grudge against

• Boundaries

• Do something that scares you that you’ve always wanted to do

• Focus on your own needs and goals instead of comparing yourself to others

• Practice compassion for yourself

• Take a break from Social Media

• Feel your feelings – watch out for distraction

• Read a novel that lifts your spirits

• Unplug from tech

• Help someone just because you can

• Affirmations

• Write down things that you appreciate about yourself

• Journaling

Physical

• Deep breathing

• Dance

• Sleep

• Walk – preferably in nature

• Practise yoga

• Eat healthily

• Look in the mirror and love your body as it is right now with no judgement

Spiritual

• More than others, a spiritual practice is highly individual

• Crystals

• Oracle/Tarot/Angel cards

• Light a candle when sitting down to work

• Journaling

• Therapy

• Healing therapies

• Course/workshops

 It isn’t easy to slow down and find time. By doing it for yourself you also model it for others, particularly our children but also friends and family. Colleagues even. We are taught that if we’re not striving and trying hard ALL the time we are somehow not doing our best. I’m here to say it doesn’t have to be that way.

Maybe get up a little bit earlier if morning is your best time. I now have a morning routine of around 20mins of yoga, sometimes a run, a swim or 10km on my exercise bike, journaling and a warming cup of cacao before I start work. It really sets me up for that day and if I miss it I notice that I am not as grounded.

I give myself permission to sit down, take a break, take a bath, go out in nature when I need to. My kids are older now which helps. What I craved most in the dark days was connection and I’d help friends hack back their overgrown gardens. It was physical and we could chat whilst I got lost in the creation of a tidier space. Focussing on your well-being because you matter is a different approach to looking after you because you feel you should and the mindset shift is life-changing.

You do matter. You are worthy of self-love and self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. Speak to yourself as you would to your best friend. We can be so unkind to ourselves at times.  Remember you are doing your best with what you have available, When you have better you will do better but acknowledge that you are doing the best you can. This all leads to self-belief and in turn to self-confidence. I wouldn’t have had the confidence to write this piece back in 2017. Now I believe that what I have to say is worthy because I am worthy. 

This in turn enables us to trust our gut-instinct, our intuition, and not make decisions based on fear.

Own your awesome.

Published January 2021