How to tell others what it means to you to be an HSP
So you now know you’re an HSP, you may have read up on it, listened to podcasts and talked to other HSPs. You may have done none of those things. But at some time or other you’re going to find yourself wanting to explain to a non-HSP what it means to be an HSP. For you.
I don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” way to tell others about it. It really depends on where you’re at and where they’re at, and that changes from day to day (or even hour to hour!). What I have come up with is a few ways to approach it to give you some ideas to find your own way.
You don’t have to tell anyone
Finding out you’re an HSP and discovering you own flavour of high sensitivity is very much YOUR path. You don’t have to share it with anyone else. Ever.
There is no reason why you can’t discover:
what self-care you need to be your best self
your sensitive gifts and strengths
and keep all that to yourself. Make sure you get what you need and shine.
That said, human beings are made for connection and for connection to be meaningful we need to be able to show up as true selves. For most of us HSPs that entails letting at least a few people in our life know about high sensitivity.
My top tips
Take your time - get used to it yourself and be comfortable with it, before you share with others.
Be discerning - think carefully about who you tell, particularly at first. Not everyone deserves to hear about this very personal thing from you. Feel into who may be the best person for you to start with - and it may not be who you’d think! I told two friends via WhatsApp first, pressed send and ….. nothing. No response. They simply didn’t get how big a deal it was for me. I was pretty miffed but with hindsight it was good because it helped me see that whilst it was a big thing for me it wasn’t for them. And that’s okay!
Find other HSPs - with between 20-30% of the population being highly sensitive, you will know other HSPs already. But you, and/or they, may not know it yet. Chances are you know someone who you feel will be able to hear you about your sensitivity - even if they don’t get it, they will listen without judgement and try to understand. Finding other HSPs who just “get it” is fundamental to accepting it for yourself. It’s a wonderful trait but not everyone feels that way about it, especially at first, so find a group where you can share your experiences and listen to others, where the trait is normalised and celebrated.
DOES - many people use this acronym to begin a conversation about explaining the trait.
D - Depth of Processing
O - Overstimulation/Overwhelm
E - Empathy/Emotional Intensity
S - Sensing Subtleties
It can help to start with the explanation that HSP is the term coined by Dr Elaine Arron in the 1990s to describe the people she found who had the personality trait known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). In a nutshell, it means that we have a bigger reaction to sensory stimuli than non-HSPs. This is why we may startle easily, react to bright lights, strong smells, loud noises and rough fabrics. There are many sensory stimuli that we experience every day and as HSPs we feel them more and we process them deeply. And that takes energy so we can get tired more easily which means we need more downtime. So sometimes, no matter how much we may want to do something, we have to say no.
Make it personal - following on from DOES, make it personal and explain how it shows up for you. And also, as a result, what you need. For me, that looks like I get overwhelmed if I’ve been around too many people for too long and I have to take a step back and be on my own for a while. As I type this, I have just had two days where I haven’t done much at all as I was feeling it was all “too much” and today I am here happily typing away feeling much better for that downtime. My family know I am much nicer to be around if I look after myself like this - so everyone wins.
Understanding the strengths it brings you, can also help explain how it shows up for you and why you need to prioritise self-care.
Not everyone will get it - it’s important to understand that, even if you choose carefully who to tell and how you language it, they still might not get it. And that is okay. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, or that it isn’t a real thing. Maybe with time they will come to understand it, and understand you, more.
Believe it is a thing - above all else, if you are reading this you are likely to have decided you are an HSP, AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. Believing that high sensitivity is a thing, and understanding your needs and making sure they are met, is the most important thing. Not what anyone else thinks. As you meet your needs and thrive, they will see that in you and be drawn to understand you more. This only happens if you believe it first.
To find more about being an HSP, you can listen to the HSP Connection podcast that I co-host with Robbie Leigh. If you want to connect with other HSPs, you can join the HSP Connection Community that I co-run with Robbie. As I say above, it’s important to connect with other HSPs who just get it. Find your people.
And if you want support with how being an HSP shows up for you, how to shape your life in a way that supports you better and what is your particular sensitive strength, I am an HSP coach and I'd love to have a chat so contact me using the contact button at the top of the home page.
