Connection and Belonging
In this post I set out my thoughts on connection, why it’s important, how I improved my connections and some practical tips on how you can improve yours.
Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash
My experience
5 years ago, I had my family, many friends, colleagues and I always talk to people I meet (I’m a northerner and we do that, speak to strangers). I was surrounded by people but I didn’t feel connected. On the contrary, I felt very lonely. I know I’m not alone in feeling lonely while being surrounded by people. So what is that about?
As human beings we are hard-wired for connection. We are social animals and whilst we might want to be on our own at times, we don’t usually want to be on our own all the time. Things might have happened in our lives that have led us to disconnect and/or to prefer time on our own, but if we feel safe we generally want to be with others, at least some of the time. It’s a primitive need because once upon a time being part of a group was essential for our survival. These days we are not fighting off sabre-toothed tigers but we still want to be part of a group.
I have had a lot of people in my life over the years. I am generally really good at keeping in touch and making the effort. I have lived in quite a few places in England and I have friends in all those places. but keeping in touch takes effort. When I had children I had less time to give to my friendships. what I discovered was that not everyone made an effort to stay in touch once I was no longer doing all the travelling to see them. Interesting.
As I went through therapy and carried on my own inner work once I left therapy, I loved the new me I was finding underneath the trauma and conditioning but I also found it hard to bring the new me into my existing relationships. It was more about me and the expectations I put on my role in those relationships than it was about the others. It felt very hard to bring the new me in because of those expectations I had. I think the other people in my life found it a challenge to accept the change I was bringing into in our relationship. Some relationships were easier than others.
I found it easier to bring the new me to new relationships. Where there were no expectations. I made two really good friends on the counselling foundation course that I did and every week of the course they saw me crying and being very vulnerable about what I was going through. Those friends would be very surprised to meet the old me that was buttoned up and pretty emotionless. I have made quite a few new friends in the last five years and over time most of my old friendships have found a new way of being as well. One is not better than the other, it is just different.
The relationships I value the most, old or new, are the ones where I can show up honestly and with vulnerability, be it I’m having a hard time with something AND where I can show up being loud and full of excitement about something that has happened. The relationships I can show up as both those parts of me, and everything in between, are the ones where I feel the most connection. I can show up as every part of me and so can they and I can meet them wherever they are. That, for me, is a revelation.
I thought getting married and having children, having a family of my own, would finally give me a sense of belonging. It did, of sorts, but there was still something missing. I found that on my healing journey; I found me. I connected to me. I belong to me now, I know who I am and I love me. Having a greater connection to myself has allowed me to have a more authentic, deep and richer connection with others.
Other findings
connection is a relationship in which a person or thing is linked or associated with something else
Human connection is a deep bond that's formed between people when they feel seen and valued. During an authentic human connection, people exchange positive energy with one another and build trust. Human connection makes you feel heard and understood and gives you a sense of belonging.
And the opposite of connection? Loneliness. Loneliness doesn’t necessarily mean being alone. Loneliness is a state of mind that occurs when there’s a disconnect between one’s desire for human connection and their actual level of connection. In other words, it’s when our longing for human relationships, connection, is unfulfilled. This explains why I felt so lonely even though I was surrounded by people.
According to psychologist Amy Sullivan your level of cortisol, a stress hormone, goes up when you’re lonely. Chronic stress can lead to many health issues, including heart disease and cancer. Because of its many health risks, recent studies compare loneliness to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
Human beings are social species, wired to connect. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, besides food, water, and safety, love and belonging are the most important needs we must fulfill. This includes our desire for interpersonal relationships, intimacy, to connect with others, and to be integrated into a group. When these needs are met, our overall well-being improves, and we live a more fulfilled life.
The 2021 World Happiness Report found that people who experienced an increase in connectedness with others during the pandemic had:
Greater life satisfaction
More resilience
Better mental health
Having a strong support system helps people overcome challenges more easily and maintain a state of mental well-being. Human connection also decreases health risks and improves physical well-being and longevity. Strong social connections strengthen the immune system and increase your chances of a longer life by 50%.
6 ways to feel more connected
Finding a better connection with yourself takes effort and time but when you do that, and also in the meantime, how can you improve your connection with others?
Making human connections sometimes requires being brave and taking chances. For example, striking up a conversation with someone new can be intimidating, especially if you’re shy. It requires you to step out of your comfort zone despite feeling nervous. Ultimately, the rewarding feeling of building human connections far outweighs the initial fear you may feel when you put yourself out there.
Here are six simple ways you can integrate into society.
1. Surround yourself with people with shared interests
It’s easy to bond with people who share the same interests and hobbies as you. If you love reading, joining a book club can be a great way to socialize and form new friendships with people that share your love of books. Or, if you’re a runner who likes to stay active, joining a local running club could be an opportunity to meet new people.
2. Overcome your resistance
Building relationships is often intimidating because of a natural fear of rejection. But to make these connections, we have to overcome our resistance to change and embrace situations outside our comfort zone.
3. Smile (once in a while) and try out a positive attitude
First impressions count. Trying to have a generally positive demeanor and a genuine smile will naturally draw people to you. That doesn't mean you have to be positive all the time or blindly optimistic. But it's helpful to do a gratitude exercise and spend a few minutes noticing what is good in your life prior to spending time around others. Research shows people are more drawn to positive emotions than negative ones when it comes to forming social connections.
So if you want to maximize your chances of being a people magnet, put your best self forward.
4. Open up to others
If you want to make friends more easily, allow yourself to be more vulnerable with others. That doesn't mean to drop all filters or boundaries. Too much, too soon can put others off and leave you feeling more alone. But you also don't have to be a curated version of yourself.
People can sense whether someone is genuine or not, so let them see the most authentic version of you. Your vulnerability will also prompt them to feel comfortable around you and connect with you on a deeper level.
5. Don’t hide in your phone
It’s easy to retreat into our smartphones when we’re feeling uncomfortable in a social situation. But this can hinder our ability to make real-life connections.
For example, being on your phone during a party or while networking will make you seem less approachable. Whenever you’re out, focus on being present and engaging with the people around you.
6. Stay in touch
Human connection needs to be nurtured. For example, if you’ve made a new friend, keep in touch with them and grow your friendship. At the same time, work on maintaining your existing relationships with close friends, family, or team members.
Regular contact deepens your connections with others and ensures you don’t lose touch with those you value most.
If you want some support getting to know and love yourself, or improving your connections, book a call and we can chat over a coffee. Click the button below to contact me
