A resource management system

You don’t have to look far to find someone talking about boundaries and how important they are. Do you have boundaries in place or are you, like me, a little bit confused? Here I am going to explain how I have come to think of boundaries in the hope that it might be useful.

Managing resources

I think of boundaries as a resource management system, allowing me to make the best use of my limited resources. Time, energy, money, and other resources are limited, and it's essential to allocate them effectively. The concept of boundaries involves choosing where to put these resources to ensure that I thrive.

I tend to visualise myself surrounded by a fence or a glass wall that enables me to choose who and what comes in on my side and what stays on the outside. There is fluidity between both sides and I get to decide who and what goes where, as well as when that needs to change.

I get to choose.

I am not cut off from whatever is on the other side but I choose to spend my resources on what is on this side with me.

As I’ve been thinking about this, I’m reminded of a book I read a few years ago: “The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck” by Sarah Knight. The subtitle is “How to stop spending time you don’t have doing things you don’t want to do with people you don’t like”. The premise of the book is that we only have so many f**ks so we need to use them wisely. There is a flowchart to work through when making a decision and depending on how that works out we decide to either use a f**k from the f**k budget or not. I loved the book when I first read it and I had no idea then, but I realise now, that’s it all about boundaries.

Choice

Boundaries allow us to choose who we spend time with, where we spend money, and how we allocate all our resources, which is critical for thriving.

Establishing boundaries enables us to reclaim control over our energy, emotions, and resources, allowing us to choose how we respond to situations and manage our lives effectively.

Despite the difficulty in setting boundaries, understanding that we have a choice in who and what comes into our space can be freeing. It allows us to use our resources in a way that benefits us instead of wasting them on things that don't contribute to our well-being.

While setting boundaries may not always be easy, it's a vital aspect of managing limited resources and ensuring personal growth and well-being.

What does it look like to set a boundary?

There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to boundaries and what we need and how we set it is going to look different for us all. Putting boundaries in place with other humans is the hardest boundary of all. Here are a few examples:

• (to a friend who constantly moans) - “I love spending time with you and can we talk about something else today?”.

• (to a colleague who asks you to take on more work) - “I’m sorry but I’m at full capacity now and I’m not taking on anything else”.

• (if you need more time to decide) - “I need some time to think about that. I’ll come back to you.”

• (when you’ve made a decision) - answering by email. Who says you have to do it fact-to-face?

• (to anyone who invites you somewhere) - “No thank you”.

• a very hard boundary for me was not seeing my mother for 8 years or so before she died. I found the rollercoaster of life with an alcoholic too much and I went “no contact” because I needed to do it for me.

• if you have to spend time with someone who drains you, limit the amount of time.

Did you shudder as you read any of those? How many times have you listened to that friend moan about things, and often the same things again and again? It’s totally okay to want to talk about something else. Just like it should be acceptable to turn down an unsolicited invitation.

I know this isn’t easy, especially if you are highly sensitive and can feel how the other person feels, and also if you have people-pleasing tendencies (you can read my blog on people pleasing here).

You might feel like you are hurting people you love BUT you are doing this because you love yourself and your needs matter. You matter.

Making sure you meet your needs helps you show up as the best version of yourself and everyone benefits.

You’re not hurting them on purpose (or at all, usually); you are changing how you interact with them because it’s what you need. If they choose (because they have a choice too) to be hurt and/or be difficult about it, it’s usually because it suits them that you don’t have a boundary!

How to get started

It can take practice so I suggest you don’t start with your mother! Start small, perhaps setting boundaries with yourself, and work your way up.

This can look like:

• curating your social media feed and/or setting how much time you spend on there

• sticking to a bedtime routine to improve your sleep

• eating more nutritious food

• not eating foods that you know don’t make you feel good

• moving your body more

• sticking to a meditation routine

• sticking to any sort of routine that serves your self-care

• not allowing your kids to talk to you in a way you don’t like

• asking your extended family to call before they visit

There is a big crossover between boundaries and self-care which is why they’re so important. Setting boundaries you can stick to is also important as you build up a bank of successful boundary setting. Perhaps you could do it with a friend and help each other out?

Why bother?

You’ve spent time working out what you need to do for your self-care, you’re doing those things and you’re feeling great. How do you make sure you’re spending your precious resources the best way?

Boundaries help you to choose and to say which things you are going to lend your energy to and which things you are not.

Boundaries help you keep those choices in place, help you stick to them. That is the boundary. I am going to …… stick to a bedtime routine, not let my mother in unless she calls beforehand, say no to an invitation …… You can do it because you know it’s what you need. Give it a try.

I’d love to know if this resonates with you. Get in touch and let me know.

If you want some support setting boundaries, to find more joy in life or to talk about being an HSP, click here book a call and we can chat over a coffee.